Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I think I’ll stand
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.