With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Those are good neighbors.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.