Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.