me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
This made me chuckle cuz mood