HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Wasps: bees, but not helping
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/