ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.