My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.