5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.