People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
A fake ID that makes you younger
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me irl
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.