*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
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“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*puts my mental health in rice