2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.