Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.