[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.