I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
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HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years