Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
#Caturday
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
This checks out
My birthstone is kidney
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.