A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.