Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.