how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Saw your ex at the shops
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.