Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Whoa… oh I see lol
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
the composer
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”