[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Cats are still liquid.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.