I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My typo game is string.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.