Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.