Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Very problematic
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours