Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.