*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc