Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Who’s your best friend?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.