Breakfast for Stoners:
You Might Also Like
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.