Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers