My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*