It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.