My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 馃憤馃ぃ鉂わ笍
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka鈥檚 factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
*making a phone call* please don鈥檛 pick up please don鈥檛 pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I鈥檒l let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me: I鈥檓 not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That鈥檚 a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You don鈥檛 wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom鈥 year ago