Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Bread puns are on the rise!
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
crochet youtube is brutal
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”