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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.