Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.