A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this