if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The best plant holders?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Godspeed, John Glenn
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.