Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

This sounds bad:

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.