*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
ibopfufen
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.