I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times