Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.