4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Camping tip: No.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.