5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
You Might Also Like
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The French cow says MEUX…
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.