Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it