Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Yup
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
saving face 👀
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Sponch
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.