The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.