SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.