My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.