Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
OMG 🤣🤣
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no