Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”