Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
#oldknees
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!